What Haunts Us Most
I've forgotten a lot in these past few months and year, but the one thing that strikes me the most every time I remember is my cousin. I forget he exists so much that it feels like he never really did. That seems to be what we do when we don't want to hold onto those memories turned rotten anymore. How many relationships did you have end that to truly let go you erased as much as you could of that person from your mind and life? We block, delete, destroy until it is like those memories are no more. There is some weird ritual-like process we do after a break-up. We grab an old box and depending on how the relationship ended, we burn or return those pieces that they left. Sometimes it seems like the only way we can cope.
Boxing them up and taping their remains away, it saddens me to realize that with that we are doing the same with all the memories that once brought us joy. My cousin for years was my best friend. He was the one person at any instant knew exactly what was going on in my life and likewise. So many nights were spent racking up our Skype call to hours at a time. But like with all relationships, something changed, and that change ruined it all.
I haven't spoken to him in almost two years. His silence still rings. I remember the phone calls I made and the times I tried to reach out. His silence persisted. The number of times I reached a low and needed him. Silence.
Maybe part of me hopes that someday he will find this. It seems like it is past the point of repair so why bother? I guess that is why we leave those angry voicemails, send those ruthless messages, and find every way possible to deliberately vacate that person from our life. Whether you have to burn that box to the ground or you find it in your heart to peacefully return, find a place where you can say your peace because I think that is what haunts you the most.