It All Feels So Far Away
It all feels so far away.
I didn't notice when it first started happening.
I was so preoccupied with this disillusioned finish line that marked the finality of a place I needed to reach to feel a sense of completeness.
Finish your internship.
Power through the grief grappling your gaze because you've only been allocated a certain number of days for that.
Complete your masters and teach because you finally found your path.
I swallowed my empathy and kept it to the side, my soul defining feature was what fueled my desire and killed my fire for the only job I thought I could ever love.
I can’t recall the moment when it all began.
No catastrophic event nor debilitating grounds, but a slow decay of my own foundation.
Pain; front, center, and present, but denied from the rollcall.
Pushing aside feelings I deemed couldn’t transpire in such trying times.
Hopeless optimism at my core as I reached to feel change.
Hand in hand, grin plastered and forever plasticized on our faces, the feeling possessing our bones bled through the janitor swept floors.
Teaching them to strive so their own reflect reflected of humble grandiose.
These kids tested my limits, but fueled the passion incessantly circulating my bones.
Classes to the brim of thirty, students unheard in an unforgiving institution.
Muffled were their voices as they all took hold of the same loudspeaker speaking to the masses with a script they never wrote.
Their struggles and stories echoing the halls to my home, my hands felt tied by an unforgiving line between pouring my heart into it all and having my own life.
I did what I needed to get by.
My actions’ worth vacant.
I was suffocated from the pressures and demands of a job under my own microscopic glare.
It never felt like enough.
The system pressing but never the precedence, my own unrealistic expectations and need for control hovering above held a whip to my head.
No other blame to display other than of my own.
In the back seat of my self-chosen societal role.
I kept it at arm’s length not wanting to feel the pain of it all anymore.
Those memories blur together that I couldn't even remember the fact that I didn't remember.
It took me listening back on an old voice recording saying "I don't feel present" to scream as a reminder for how long this has been holding on.
Days prior blur away leaving a big empty space with nothing to fill but what I can predict to occupy its place.
Memories of whole nights absent with no absinthe present.
I wish I could remember but its all so out of focus.
Body present and mind vacant, words spill out without my consent.
It is always a prior me I see, someone who filled my spot in that particular moment to keep a sense of normality through.
There were no illegal actions, no misdemeanours or crime, but I felt robbed of a time that I will never have returned back to me.
So, I wore my heart as my skin and continued down that road to an unknown.
Slathered with an overall numb that layered like the wintery spread as I exited the school’s premise, I moved on from an old love in hopes of finding who I once was.
It all feels so far away.