I’ve felt much more present recently. I’m in the moment and in control of what flows out of my mouth. I’m not a step removed, nor do I feel with every blink that the world slips a little further away. It has gotten so much better, but I’m far from surprised that during the day of my graduation I felt nothing but that. I felt two steps back, the dark blinks take me away. The proceedings of the day just blur away, and I can’t help but see it all from an observing place. I know that I take myself away. Take the highs and lows and squish them so that somewhere in the middle of the grey they will remain. I could see the box of emotions placed on the table that I chose to ignore as I sipped on my wine and spaced out for most of the night.
I have a piece of paper that now says I am a master in something. I don’t see it as an achievement. I see it as a period of time where I came so close to that end goal in my head and saw the curtain fall. I remember it as a period of tears as I struggled to stretch to where I thought I could reach. I hate that I look back and see myself naively hoping because I wish I would hope like that again. I wish I could go back and tell that girl who moved all the way here to save herself because as much as you have learned, the extent you have grown, and the friendships you have made, you will never get back that piece of yourself that you will lose in the job you thought you loved. I am forever grateful for the life long friendships and lessons learned that would have never occurred otherwise, but I almost wish I shied away from it all and left this all as a dream I thought I could never achieve than one I know I will never achieve.
But I've made some of the best friends I will ever have and despite the memories that, to this day, still leave a sinking feeling in my chest, I've never felt more lost yet found. I have absolutely no idea what the future holds, and I've never felt so distant from the purpose I know I need to find, but with every piece that I've had taken away, I've been given so much more. I would do it all again if it meant I would end up here again with you.